Since Friday

I got home from Friday afternoon and exercised my freedom in the form of a two hour nap. I had creases on my face, my cheeks were flushed-it was a good time.

And then, to reward myself for a week of hard work and a meager paycheck, I went to Kol Nidre services. I can't think of a better celebration than fasting, repenting and wearing dress clothes...

I might be being sarcatic.

My nana picked me up at 6:45 and, with a biscuit in my purse, I raced downstairs to her car. I ate the biscuit in the car in a final attempt to stuff myself before sundown. I try this "stuffing" technique every year and it never works. I always find myself hungry by the time evening services are over. Oh well.

The services were short and nice. I noticed girls in short skirts (not appropriate for Temple!), adults whispering throughout the songs (myself included...though my comments were mostly positive asides to my nana), people counting pages (myself included...this is a habit from my childhood that I can't bring myself to break)...it seemed a little forced and FAKE. We all go to High Holiday services to impress and be seen. That might not be the only reason but it's a part of it. And then we pray about how we're humble servants who stand with no false pretenses in front of God...

If that's true, then why did I spent 1 hour picking out my outfit for services? And if that's true then why are the 14 year old girls wearing short skirts and looking around at all the young boys? And if that's true then why is there so much talking going on during services and so much gossiping when we're praying about not gossiping?

I sincerely appreciate what Yom Kippur is about. If I didn't I wouldn't celebrate it. But I have a hard time making myself be meaningful on designated calendar days. I have a hard time giving in completely to the religion and what it calls for. And, it seems like some other people do too.

I might not be ready to perform a self-inventory in the 10 days between Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur. I might need an extra 2 weeks. I might need a lifetime.

I meant to sit down and think about all the things that had gone on in the past year. I intended to think about all the people in my life I appreciate and make efforts to personally thank them. I had wanted to write out all the sins I'd committed so that I could really SEE what the past year had been like for me. I just didn't get around to it. I started a new job. I spent time with family. I played with my kittens. I read a few books. I commuted...
I lived, in a good way or a bad way I'm not sure, instead of transcending life.

I guess the whole point of the holiday is that it's not about what I want. It's about what GOD wants. And if God wants me to repent, and that's all I have to do to be sealed in the book of life, I should do it.
But I don't know if I believe in God.

Well anyway, I really felt the prayers Friday night when the congregation was reading responsively. I was genuinely glad to run into my mom's friends Lisa and Geoff. My smiles to my nana's friends were real...

Saturday I slept, a lot. I didn't go to morning services...but I never do so I didn't really feel bad about that. I really hate fasting, but after the fact, I feel good about it. I don't know if I believe in God and yet I somehow fear the wrath of the almighty...

I ask myself "what would happen if I didn't fast this year?". I don't bother answering that question. I don't really want to know.

After sleeping in, I read Elie Wiesel's "Night" Saturday afternoon. I wanted to make my Saturday meaningful, even if I wasn't in temple, and I think "Night" helped me do that. I didn't feel quite so sorry for myself when I was reading about Elie Wiesel's year+ in various concentration camps. But I still did feel a little sorry for myself...And then I felt bad for feeling sorry for myself. And then I felt bad that so many Jewish people died for their faith and yet so many Jews now, in the U.S. especially, don't even celebrate the important holidays...

And if they do, why do they? Because their families make them? Because they fear God? Because it makes them feel good (selfish reasons)?

But anyway, it was an amazing book. I think everyone should read at least one account of a holocaust survivor.

I then went with my mom, my Aunt Jane and my nana to afternoon/memorial/concluding Yom Kippur services. The services were, again, short...
I appreciated that as my stomach was rumbling at the time.

How the hell would people like me have survived the holocaust? Could I have?

Sunday I went to the movies/shopping with my mom. Then, to finish off the day, I went shopping with Katelyn. I need to have SOME sort of life besides work, don't I? So what if that "outside of work" life involves buying clothes FOR work?

And today I had a good day at work :) It was the JNF monthly board of trustees/board of directors meeting. I didn't get to go to the meeting or anything...but
I got to check off guests as they came into the building! And I got to eat the food we had brought in for the meeting! And I got to talk to some of my coworkers (the younger ones) which was really nice. I'm all about the human connections.

So I was doing meeting related stuff for two hours and then after that I went to lunch...so I basically did work from 9-12 this morning and then from 3:30-5:30 this afternoon. It was great! I really like my job.

Tomorrow Kate is meeting me for lunch, and Wednesday Michelle (my Israel trip leader who works in my building in the education department) and I are having lunch together!

In conclusion: I tried to be meaningful and make the best of Yom Kippur. I don't know if I did. I don't know if it's because I wasn't as "into" it as I'd been in previous years. Or if it was because I let myself be honest about the whole experience for the first time? Or if it was because I'm a bad person?

Or if it was because I'm a human person. ?.

Maybe in my next entry I'll write the prayer I've been meaning to for the past few years. And then maybe, after I write my next entry, I'll say the prayer. And I'll keep saying it