Honesty

I've been thinking about it a lot this past week and I've decided that I don't think honesty is always the best policy.

The reason this comes up is that my sister has adopted a new '100% honesty' policy in her life. The Jewish new year is coming up and she's trying to evaluate how her life is going and I guess she feels that lately she hasn't been honest with herself or with other people about what she needs and who she is. So she's going to change that. So she's going to be 100% honest because, according to her, relationships aren't real and life is fake if you're not speaking honestly, all the time, with everyone, about everything.

This idea of 100% honesty reflects my sister's view of the world as a black or white entity. To my sister you are either honest all the time and 'real' or you're dishonest all the time and fake. I don't think I fall into either of those categories. I am not black or white and I don't see the world that way. I see the world in color.

Now, my sister's decision to be 100% honest doesn't directly affect me as a person. Her decision to be 100% honest doesn't mean that I have to be truthful all the time. But, since I'm participating in a relationship with her, her decisions do affect me. Relationships, as I see them, are based on actions and reactions and since she's acting in a new, different way, then I am now in the position where I have to react in a new, different way. If I am practicing total honesty with Kate, in our relationship, which is one of my most involved relationships, won't that carry over? Will I start being completely "real" with everyone? Can I handle that?

Am I supposed to tell everyone I interact with my REAL opinions of their actions? My real opinions of their clothes? My real opinions of their cooking? My real opinions on...everything. What about their feelings in all of this? I think that I should care about how others respond to what I have to say...

What about compromise? Sure, it's bad to consider other people too much, worry about what other people think of you, worry about how a certain remark you made at dinner went over, worry about how you look to people walking on the street etc. But there's a balance between worrying about others too much and thinking of them/being conscious of them. I don't think it's bad to think of people and try to act on behalf of them. I don't think it's bad to tell someone they look nice when they're having a bad day, or tell your mother you liked the chicken she took a few hours cooking even if you thought it was awful, or support someone even if you don't like what they're doing.

On a personal note: I understand the importance of being honest with people that you care about. I know that I gossip about people, I know that I hold in feelings for fear of upsetting others or causing a commotion, I know that I lie by omission. I think that gossiping and holding in feelings is not an ideal way to interact in the world. But I think it's more important to be honest in the right situations as opposed to being honest in every situation. "Hey nana, I heard you burp at the table. And yes, your story IS boring me"-not ok.

If someone asks me for advice, then I'll go ahead and be honest with them and tell them what I think. They asked for it. If my brother is about to be run over by a bus because he's talking on his cell phone and not paying attention, by all means I'll call him an idiot and do whatever I can to make that accident not happen. If someone makes a racist joke or says something insensitive I'll call them on it. In those situations honesty is supreme and utilitarian.

But I don't think being totally truthful is an ideal way to interact in the world habitually...
It'll be interesting to see how this new rule of engagement with Kate plays out.

I've been thinking about this a lot and I'm having a hard time making sense of it...