Some somethings

I have a few ideas of new things to post in here:
A letter to my dad, A short story, Quotations I like, Lyrics collages...

The first two won't work right now because I haven't written them yet (woops!).

And neither will the third or fourth ideas...because I can't find any quotations that I really like right now and I haven't made any new lyrics collages in some time.

Just wanted to show that I AM thinking of this blog at least, even if I'm too lazy, on a warm Sunday morning, and too content with reading, and too engrossed in rented movies to make a change to it.

my hair cut <3

I got a new hair cut yesterday: (styled by a professional)

(styled by me)

(from the back-not a GREAT pic but it'll do)

An overwhelming day at work

Today was my big "lunch with the girls" day at work. I was SUPPOSED to eat lunch with Michelle, Debby and Gabby. But, last minute, Michelle remembered that she had a meeting scheduled from 12:30-1:30, so I ended up having lunch with Gabby, Debby, Miriam, Tara and Alicia.

I was a little nervous going into the "meeting" but overall I was really excited to get to sit and talk with people besides the people whose desks are right next to mine. I was ready to breakaway (almost like the Kelly Clarkson song but a little more alto and a little less soprano).

Then, at 12:20 (T-10 minutes til I was supposed to meet Gabby in the lobby), my boss came and hassled me about getting access to her MS Outlook account. She wants me to be able to access all of her MS Outlook files so that I can respond to her e-mails (if need be), check her calendar and access files related to the National Conference which I'm helping her plan. But, for some reason, the IT people in the Rockville Centre office hadn't given me access to all of her files...and I kept calling this one IT guy trying to get him to officially authorize me to see my boss' Outlook files. And he wasn't responding.

So, my boss called Rockville Centre and told me I had to wait to get authorized and finish getting info. from this one list before I could go to lunch. And the phone was ringing off the hook AND all these different guests were coming into the building so I had to find out who they were there to see and get them where they needed to go. All at once. So, I had to call Gabby and tell her I was going to be late for lunch. Which, when you're trying to fit in and seem friendly, is the opposite of what you want to do.

But fine. I got authorized and met the girls downstairs in the building courtyard/patio for lunch. And it was really nice but overwhelming.

I learned: who's nice and who's not (according to them), who to talk to and who to ignore, about the staff conference (apparently there's an annual staff conference in the summer in New Jersey...) and how there was a giant slushie machine with tequila slushies and how the CEO got drunk and was saying inappropriate things to some of the younger employees, about the quarterly birthday parties in the office and how, since I'm the newest employee now, I'm going to be questioned at the next one in front of everyone about my work experience at JNF thus far, about how there are all these rumors about different people in the office having sex but 90% (this is a direct quote from Tara) aren't true, about how all the people in the office are BEST friends (also a direct quote. It's nice to know that everyone in the office is so close, and even moreso since I was invited to lunch and kind of 'initiated' into the group. But, it's also intimidating to know that everyone hangs out so often. I feel even more pressure to be liked and become BFF with everyone. !. Of course this internalized pressure is only to an extent because rationally I know that I can't MAKE anyone like me and that these people at work are either going to like me or not...and all I can do is be myself and hope for the best. I don't have time to worry about what they think of me), and how my BOSS is apparently "salty".

HM.


Even if my boss is "salty" (isn't that an interesting adjective? I don't think I've ever used it) she likes me and that's all that really matters. She can be bitchy to everyone in the office for all I care as long as she respects me and is fair in her interactions with me. I really like her and think she's cool.

After lunch I spent the afternoon formatting labels, speaking with guests that were visiting in the conference room next to my office, answering phone calls, trying to find Alicia so that she could give me a formatting sheet, and eating cake and pickles. I love leftover food! It doesn't make the food any less delicious to know that it wasn't ordered for me and is in fact left from someone else's meeting. Kosher deli pickles in New York City are the best!

I have tomorrow and Friday off for the festival of Sukkot. I'm going to: get my car jump-started, get my hair cut (not sure how yet), go to dinner with my nana, go to happy hour, sleep! and relax :)

Since Friday

I got home from Friday afternoon and exercised my freedom in the form of a two hour nap. I had creases on my face, my cheeks were flushed-it was a good time.

And then, to reward myself for a week of hard work and a meager paycheck, I went to Kol Nidre services. I can't think of a better celebration than fasting, repenting and wearing dress clothes...

I might be being sarcatic.

My nana picked me up at 6:45 and, with a biscuit in my purse, I raced downstairs to her car. I ate the biscuit in the car in a final attempt to stuff myself before sundown. I try this "stuffing" technique every year and it never works. I always find myself hungry by the time evening services are over. Oh well.

The services were short and nice. I noticed girls in short skirts (not appropriate for Temple!), adults whispering throughout the songs (myself included...though my comments were mostly positive asides to my nana), people counting pages (myself included...this is a habit from my childhood that I can't bring myself to break)...it seemed a little forced and FAKE. We all go to High Holiday services to impress and be seen. That might not be the only reason but it's a part of it. And then we pray about how we're humble servants who stand with no false pretenses in front of God...

If that's true, then why did I spent 1 hour picking out my outfit for services? And if that's true then why are the 14 year old girls wearing short skirts and looking around at all the young boys? And if that's true then why is there so much talking going on during services and so much gossiping when we're praying about not gossiping?

I sincerely appreciate what Yom Kippur is about. If I didn't I wouldn't celebrate it. But I have a hard time making myself be meaningful on designated calendar days. I have a hard time giving in completely to the religion and what it calls for. And, it seems like some other people do too.

I might not be ready to perform a self-inventory in the 10 days between Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur. I might need an extra 2 weeks. I might need a lifetime.

I meant to sit down and think about all the things that had gone on in the past year. I intended to think about all the people in my life I appreciate and make efforts to personally thank them. I had wanted to write out all the sins I'd committed so that I could really SEE what the past year had been like for me. I just didn't get around to it. I started a new job. I spent time with family. I played with my kittens. I read a few books. I commuted...
I lived, in a good way or a bad way I'm not sure, instead of transcending life.

I guess the whole point of the holiday is that it's not about what I want. It's about what GOD wants. And if God wants me to repent, and that's all I have to do to be sealed in the book of life, I should do it.
But I don't know if I believe in God.

Well anyway, I really felt the prayers Friday night when the congregation was reading responsively. I was genuinely glad to run into my mom's friends Lisa and Geoff. My smiles to my nana's friends were real...

Saturday I slept, a lot. I didn't go to morning services...but I never do so I didn't really feel bad about that. I really hate fasting, but after the fact, I feel good about it. I don't know if I believe in God and yet I somehow fear the wrath of the almighty...

I ask myself "what would happen if I didn't fast this year?". I don't bother answering that question. I don't really want to know.

After sleeping in, I read Elie Wiesel's "Night" Saturday afternoon. I wanted to make my Saturday meaningful, even if I wasn't in temple, and I think "Night" helped me do that. I didn't feel quite so sorry for myself when I was reading about Elie Wiesel's year+ in various concentration camps. But I still did feel a little sorry for myself...And then I felt bad for feeling sorry for myself. And then I felt bad that so many Jewish people died for their faith and yet so many Jews now, in the U.S. especially, don't even celebrate the important holidays...

And if they do, why do they? Because their families make them? Because they fear God? Because it makes them feel good (selfish reasons)?

But anyway, it was an amazing book. I think everyone should read at least one account of a holocaust survivor.

I then went with my mom, my Aunt Jane and my nana to afternoon/memorial/concluding Yom Kippur services. The services were, again, short...
I appreciated that as my stomach was rumbling at the time.

How the hell would people like me have survived the holocaust? Could I have?

Sunday I went to the movies/shopping with my mom. Then, to finish off the day, I went shopping with Katelyn. I need to have SOME sort of life besides work, don't I? So what if that "outside of work" life involves buying clothes FOR work?

And today I had a good day at work :) It was the JNF monthly board of trustees/board of directors meeting. I didn't get to go to the meeting or anything...but
I got to check off guests as they came into the building! And I got to eat the food we had brought in for the meeting! And I got to talk to some of my coworkers (the younger ones) which was really nice. I'm all about the human connections.

So I was doing meeting related stuff for two hours and then after that I went to lunch...so I basically did work from 9-12 this morning and then from 3:30-5:30 this afternoon. It was great! I really like my job.

Tomorrow Kate is meeting me for lunch, and Wednesday Michelle (my Israel trip leader who works in my building in the education department) and I are having lunch together!

In conclusion: I tried to be meaningful and make the best of Yom Kippur. I don't know if I did. I don't know if it's because I wasn't as "into" it as I'd been in previous years. Or if it was because I let myself be honest about the whole experience for the first time? Or if it was because I'm a bad person?

Or if it was because I'm a human person. ?.

Maybe in my next entry I'll write the prayer I've been meaning to for the past few years. And then maybe, after I write my next entry, I'll say the prayer. And I'll keep saying it

I guess I have a life now

So, I guess I have an official "adult" life now...which makes it very hard to find the time/energy to update my blog! Shame on me.

I started work on Monday and even though it's only been 4 days I feel like weeks or months or years might even have passed. My days start at 5:45 when I wake up to get ready to be out of the house by 6:45 to be on a 7:00 train to New York. I arrive at Grand Central at 7:55 and get on the 6 subway (heading uptown), which is always, on the downside, crowded, but on the upside, air-conditioned. I take the 6 train 4 stops to 68th Street, grab a free paper, and walk to my office.

My office is located at 42 E. 69th St between Park and Madison Avenues. It's beautiful. I smile when I walk to work because I can't believe it.

The building was a privately owned home in the 1800's and now houses the Jewish National Fund's national headquarters, the JNF's Greater New York office, The Orrom Shalom Institute and Media Watch. Walking up the central, spiral staircase at 8:30 in the morning I look at paintings, photographs, hold on to a wooden railing, am basked in warm, yellow light. By my desk, on the second floor, there's a ready supply of coffee and water. There are always people coming and going. I hear office gossip. I hear people speaking on the phone with their families and friends. I see sun coming in from the conference room next to my desk.

Maybe my office is the home I always wished I had. It's presentable, it's comfortable, everyone's Jewish and proud to be so.

My days go by quickly. I answer phone calls on my THREE "phones" (main phone, cordless phone that's an extension of the main phone, wireless head set that can be used with the main phone), I make copies and type up documents for my boss, I chit-chat with people in the office as they go to get coffee or talk with the office administrator whose desk is 15 feet from mine. I take my lunch break way too late, but so far I always take it in central park. I do a good job and I smile while I'm doing it. I eat leftovers from meetings (all of which are kosher and most of which are bagels or deli sandwiches-how stereotypical, right?). I talk on the phone with the Director of Planned Giving a few times a day as he remotely accesses my phone to get it up and running (he went to M.I.T. and learned how to work with phones there...so he helps out with the phones in our office even though that's not his real job). My boss jokes that he's my best friend.

Could my best friend be a middle-aged, dorky, Jewish guy from Long Island?

I leave work around 5:40 and take the subway down to Grand Central. There are A LOT of people on the subways at this time...

I get the 6:04 train to New Haven stopping in Stamford first (second if you count 125th street. why don't they count 125th street?). Katelyn or Josh or my mom pick me up.

I go home. Eat dinner. Watch TV. Play with the cats.

Then I go to sleep so I can do it all over again. That's my job, basically, as I can best describe it. Sometime when there's not a morning meeting going on I'm going to take pictures of the office and post them on here.

Two more days of freedom

I'd like to say that I'm prepared for my first day of work on Monday. That I know exactly what I'll be wearing. That I know how hard the commute will be. That I'll be able to take on all the challenges my boss will give to me.

But I don't know if I can say any of those things. I'm sure it will take me a long time to get used to waking up at 6 am. I'm sure there'll be a few nights where no one can pick me up at the train station and I'll have to take the bus home. I'm sure that my new job will be challenging, that I'll wonder if I can "do it", that I'll sit at my desk in the afternoon and want nothing more than to take a nap.

Regardless, I'm still excited. I bought my week-pass train ticket yesterday on my way home from Rosh Hashanah services. I've come up with a tentative track listing for a Mix CD I'll play on the 7:05 train from Noroton Heights to Grand Central. I guess I'm as ready as I could possibly be.

So how have I been spending my last few days of freedom? I guess they've been passing by the same way that my first days of freedom did...but with less angst and less uncertainty.

I've been reading a few books ("Slapstick" by Kurt Vonnegut and "The History of Love" by Nicole Krauss), I've been watching more TV than I probably should (Celebrity Rap Superstar, Made, What Not To Wear, Oprah, Dr. Phil), I've been taking naps with my cats (don't judge...), going shopping, mixing a few cocktails (new recipe: orange juice, sours mix, vodka and tonic water), going to Rosh Hashanah services and listening to some new music.

It's been a good week, overall.

Some goals for the upcoming year (I'm going big): To be open-minded in a real way,To be nice in an honest way, To do my best, To ask more questions, To do my own thing and, the biggest of all, To not be afraid.

I don't want to be afraid!

Honesty

I've been thinking about it a lot this past week and I've decided that I don't think honesty is always the best policy.

The reason this comes up is that my sister has adopted a new '100% honesty' policy in her life. The Jewish new year is coming up and she's trying to evaluate how her life is going and I guess she feels that lately she hasn't been honest with herself or with other people about what she needs and who she is. So she's going to change that. So she's going to be 100% honest because, according to her, relationships aren't real and life is fake if you're not speaking honestly, all the time, with everyone, about everything.

This idea of 100% honesty reflects my sister's view of the world as a black or white entity. To my sister you are either honest all the time and 'real' or you're dishonest all the time and fake. I don't think I fall into either of those categories. I am not black or white and I don't see the world that way. I see the world in color.

Now, my sister's decision to be 100% honest doesn't directly affect me as a person. Her decision to be 100% honest doesn't mean that I have to be truthful all the time. But, since I'm participating in a relationship with her, her decisions do affect me. Relationships, as I see them, are based on actions and reactions and since she's acting in a new, different way, then I am now in the position where I have to react in a new, different way. If I am practicing total honesty with Kate, in our relationship, which is one of my most involved relationships, won't that carry over? Will I start being completely "real" with everyone? Can I handle that?

Am I supposed to tell everyone I interact with my REAL opinions of their actions? My real opinions of their clothes? My real opinions of their cooking? My real opinions on...everything. What about their feelings in all of this? I think that I should care about how others respond to what I have to say...

What about compromise? Sure, it's bad to consider other people too much, worry about what other people think of you, worry about how a certain remark you made at dinner went over, worry about how you look to people walking on the street etc. But there's a balance between worrying about others too much and thinking of them/being conscious of them. I don't think it's bad to think of people and try to act on behalf of them. I don't think it's bad to tell someone they look nice when they're having a bad day, or tell your mother you liked the chicken she took a few hours cooking even if you thought it was awful, or support someone even if you don't like what they're doing.

On a personal note: I understand the importance of being honest with people that you care about. I know that I gossip about people, I know that I hold in feelings for fear of upsetting others or causing a commotion, I know that I lie by omission. I think that gossiping and holding in feelings is not an ideal way to interact in the world. But I think it's more important to be honest in the right situations as opposed to being honest in every situation. "Hey nana, I heard you burp at the table. And yes, your story IS boring me"-not ok.

If someone asks me for advice, then I'll go ahead and be honest with them and tell them what I think. They asked for it. If my brother is about to be run over by a bus because he's talking on his cell phone and not paying attention, by all means I'll call him an idiot and do whatever I can to make that accident not happen. If someone makes a racist joke or says something insensitive I'll call them on it. In those situations honesty is supreme and utilitarian.

But I don't think being totally truthful is an ideal way to interact in the world habitually...
It'll be interesting to see how this new rule of engagement with Kate plays out.

I've been thinking about this a lot and I'm having a hard time making sense of it...

I got a job!!!!!!!!!!

I will remember, in my life book-of-dates, that September 6, 2007 is the day that I got my first full-time, contract w/ benefits, job. :) :)

Here's everything I know about the job:
-I'm working at the Jewish National Fund's U.S. headquarters in New York.
-I'm going to be a receptionist/guest-greeter/assistant events planner.
-My supervisor is named Elisa, she's on facebook, she speaks French, is about 25, and is really nice.
-The hours for the job are Monday-Thursday 8:30-5:30, and Friday 8:30-1:00.
-I get all Jewish holidays and all Federal holidays off!
-I have to dress nicely for the job, but not in a suit or anything.
-The office is in what used to be a privately owned mansion on the upper east side. It has vaulted ceilings and a central spiral staircase. There are 5 full floors of offices.
-Because I'm on the mezzanine level of the office, I get to feel the full blast of the AC coming in from the welcome area! Everyone else's offices are stuffy...not mine!
-I start working on September 17th

I think that's it. Time will tell...
If anyone is curious about The Jewish National Fund and what it does:
http://www.jnf.org

Mika

I've been really 'into' the singer Mika lately. I had heard of him but only really got hooked after Katelyn copied his CD onto my personal hard drive.

I don't even know where to begin re: my love of Mika. First of all, he's cute! yay! I know I don't have to SEE him when I'm listening to his CD but an attractive mental image while singing along in the car doesn't hurt. I mean, why else did so many guys used to listen to Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera? Because they sing well (well, not so much Britney...or really, not at ALL Britney) AND are hot. It's all about the 'package'. We, people, Americans, 20-somethings-we need package deals. Forget the cheap airfare, we need a cheap hotel and spa to go along with it.

Ok, the second reason I love Mika is that his songs are just catchy and fun! Sometimes it's important to listen to songs about real issues. Yes, I listen to Bad Religion and U2, I sing along to Tupac and Kanye West. But, when I want to just relax and not think about anything, Mika is my new go-to guy. With all this job-search, finding a place to live, what am I doing with my life, I miss my friends business that's been going on lately I really enjoy having Mika's carefree pop songs to dance to.

The third reason I love Mika is because he has a song about 'big girls' called, surprisingly, 'big girl (you are beautiful)'. Who else has songs about loving big girls? hehehe. See? I'm laughing just thinking about it. And he also has a song about lollipops called 'Lollipop' and a song about a straight man finding out he's gay, "Billie Brown". No one else in mainstream music today is writing songs about these topics-yay for Mika!

So, I've been a busy, busy bee lately. And it's been fun. But I'm ready for a break now. I kind of need to decide what I'm doing with my life...the season of summer road trips has officially ended for me.

I went to DC last weekend and had a great time catching up with everyone. I got to see Julia, Giuliana, Erin, Jon, Rainu, Melissa, Vanessa-what a lucky person I am! I won't go into all the details of what I did, but I will write some trip highlights:

-Dinner Friday night w/ Giuliana, Julia, Adam and Jason . Our waiter was super-awkward, my cherry juice was delicious, and the restaurant where we ate was beautiful inside! I don't know if the food was so great but I'm a fan of atmosphere.

-Taking a walk with Julia on Saturday past the dog park in Arlington, VA. It was amazing to see this huge track of land with just dogs...running around...playing. It was like 'planet of the apes' only with dogs. I guess that would make it 'planet of the dogs' then. Anyway, it blew my mind a little.

-Dinner w/ Rainu, Melissa, Vanessa and Jon on Saturday night at 'Capitol City Brewing Company'. I had this berry beer which was delicious and it was nice to catch up with everyone. It might have been a bit ambitious, since no one knew each other (well except Melissa and Rainu), but I think it went well.

-Saturday night SWING DANCING in Georgetown with Jon and his friend Bryna (who we ran into when we got there-random). I've wanted to go swing dancing for a long time, and to have my dream realized, at the Kennedy Center, a place I love, for free, was just amazing. Jon's not the best dancer ever...so that was interesting...but I taught him a few moves.

-Saturday night sitting in Jon's room on my deflated air mattress and with him wrapped in his comforter just talking for a few hours. I love talking with my friends.

-Sunday, brunch in Dupont with Erin, Jeremy and Jon. I love COSI. I could probably eat their bread every day and not feel bad. Jon and Jeremy were chatting about Georgetown law stuff...aw.

So that was my weekend. I had two interviews in New York yesterday, a phone interview today, and I have two more interviews scheduled in New York for tomorrow. Things are picking up!!

AND, I got to talk to Kristyn yesterday!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! <3
What a good week!